This is what it has come to...

I think it is safe to say that I have absolutely wasted my Sunday. (The weekend post was from the previous weekend).

To be honest, I love the weekends and I generally hate wasting them- Even if I choose to sit at home and relax, it is something I enjoy and choose to do. Sunday however, was a day that I really do hope to erase from my memory. Here is what a day like sunday reminds me of:

1) How I never really understood the way a family can bring you joy
2) How I can never truly reach my inner peace until I detach my self from them
3) How I will never be able to say “I’m lucky to have my family’s support and love”
4) How I lost every minimal maternal/family related instinct because of what I have been through
5) Unconditional love/care does not exist

And that is just a number of things that constantly run at the back of my mind. I am so tired of the problems with my family. The ones that have turned into harassment and got me into a state of not only the usual emotional/mental exhaustion, but also into a state of weakness and physical wilting.

I am afraid it has come to a point where I need to take serious action. I have not committed any crime beyond requesting their blessing to allow me to continue living and working here for a few years(with their utter refusal to move here as well even though they are retired and have no kids back home). A job that I have successfully earned myself after successfully getting my joint honors degree, both which I had at 21 years of age. I spent years working hard to get to where I am today , and I am not willing to throw any of it away to appease them – while I am fully aware (from experience) that doing what they want will not result in anything but more drama. My folks are those who will come up with more problems/drama as soon as they resolve one and they do so illogically. They have completely reached a state where they really feel like they have no purpose. Therefore, they choose to create one by being more aggressive than the previous times.

Their idea (which btw entails me to pack and leave within the next 2 months) is not only ridiculous, but their chosen tone, words and over all method of communication has gone from bad, to offensive to insulting and now is going overboard and crossed every line of toleration that I have ever put up with. What is quite sad is that this has killed any intention I would have ever had of going back.

It is funny how within the same minute- they yell out horrible words, threats, sentences and then follow it by “we care”.

Hmmm..I just have a few questions to ask about the authenticity of such a claim.

Did you care when I moved all bymyself from one city to another and bought furniture and carried crazy pounds of essential items that I needed? (I’m thinking this is a prime example of double standards when it comes to our culture and women).

Did you care when I was passing through a difficult or even a happy time of my life?

When was the last time you called to ask how i was- what i am doing- how my week went? Actually, when was the last time you contacted me without the sole purpose of fighting?

Can you tell me one thing that brings joy to my life?

Did you care or were even aware of abuse?

Just to name a few….

And I did ask all the above---- the Answer? “We are better than a lot of parents”.

I have always given them the benefit of the doubt, and decided to stretch my limits with them, but given the declining trend I see, I fear for myself, and will work on cutting all contact.