Granite Countertop....

I’m not so sure how and why I get this feeling of being overwhelmed every once in a while. I know it might sound insane, but I somewhat enjoy those moment of solitude and reflection. How Do I usually go about those?

Generally, I sit on the countertop of the kitchen, tea and music by my side. And usually, there are different circumstances that bring about and facilitate this type of reflecting. It is most optimal when my sister is out of town. We live in an open concept space and the presence of someone else usually makes these moments unattainable. As for the circumstances that bring about these moments…well, they are different and various.. Some are a result of epiphanies, others are realizations of who I am and what truly makes me happy …the rest are really just about savoring the moment- my life, my youth, and my little world.

The best one, is the moment I realized that my past relationship of four and half years is nothing but a big jungle…of failure, of stress and of forced “happiness”… a basic recipe for a failed marriage. I saw my divorce, I visualized my despair…I was stuck. Coming out of that relationship, which basically shaped the person I have grown into, I realized, that at 23…I am very different than whom I thought I was. That year of self discovery was a great journey…lots of mistakes, lots of chances and risks taken and lots of opportunities along the way…Had I had the chance to roll back in time, I am more than confident that I would change nothing!

I am not going to lie, it does get hard when your basic support system is on life support itself, it can get really tough. But I learnt that my family is who they are, as much as I am whom I chose to be. And even though I wish I could change some things about that tie, I do rejoice in the good moments I spend with them.

My moment today is simple…I want to rejoice, I want to add value, and I love living!

This is what it has come to...

I think it is safe to say that I have absolutely wasted my Sunday. (The weekend post was from the previous weekend).

To be honest, I love the weekends and I generally hate wasting them- Even if I choose to sit at home and relax, it is something I enjoy and choose to do. Sunday however, was a day that I really do hope to erase from my memory. Here is what a day like sunday reminds me of:

1) How I never really understood the way a family can bring you joy
2) How I can never truly reach my inner peace until I detach my self from them
3) How I will never be able to say “I’m lucky to have my family’s support and love”
4) How I lost every minimal maternal/family related instinct because of what I have been through
5) Unconditional love/care does not exist

And that is just a number of things that constantly run at the back of my mind. I am so tired of the problems with my family. The ones that have turned into harassment and got me into a state of not only the usual emotional/mental exhaustion, but also into a state of weakness and physical wilting.

I am afraid it has come to a point where I need to take serious action. I have not committed any crime beyond requesting their blessing to allow me to continue living and working here for a few years(with their utter refusal to move here as well even though they are retired and have no kids back home). A job that I have successfully earned myself after successfully getting my joint honors degree, both which I had at 21 years of age. I spent years working hard to get to where I am today , and I am not willing to throw any of it away to appease them – while I am fully aware (from experience) that doing what they want will not result in anything but more drama. My folks are those who will come up with more problems/drama as soon as they resolve one and they do so illogically. They have completely reached a state where they really feel like they have no purpose. Therefore, they choose to create one by being more aggressive than the previous times.

Their idea (which btw entails me to pack and leave within the next 2 months) is not only ridiculous, but their chosen tone, words and over all method of communication has gone from bad, to offensive to insulting and now is going overboard and crossed every line of toleration that I have ever put up with. What is quite sad is that this has killed any intention I would have ever had of going back.

It is funny how within the same minute- they yell out horrible words, threats, sentences and then follow it by “we care”.

Hmmm..I just have a few questions to ask about the authenticity of such a claim.

Did you care when I moved all bymyself from one city to another and bought furniture and carried crazy pounds of essential items that I needed? (I’m thinking this is a prime example of double standards when it comes to our culture and women).

Did you care when I was passing through a difficult or even a happy time of my life?

When was the last time you called to ask how i was- what i am doing- how my week went? Actually, when was the last time you contacted me without the sole purpose of fighting?

Can you tell me one thing that brings joy to my life?

Did you care or were even aware of abuse?

Just to name a few….

And I did ask all the above---- the Answer? “We are better than a lot of parents”.

I have always given them the benefit of the doubt, and decided to stretch my limits with them, but given the declining trend I see, I fear for myself, and will work on cutting all contact.

A good long weekend

What an amazing long weekend I had. It is these little

weekends with nothing extravagant that make me appreciate my life a lot more and make me understand a lot about myself and what makes me happy. It has been getting a little blurry lately, with a lot of interference and negativity from family (except for my sister, whom I live with and did all my weekend activities with).

Saturday morning was a somewhat tiring/boring/frustrating one. I don’t know about you, but I am one of those people who will sit and focus on nothing besides that fact that I can not eat/drink, therefore I can not do anything.

Here’s an example:

“Oh my god, I can’t stand it, I’m gonna kill myself” –me

“Do something to keep you busy, lets go out for a walk”—My sister

“What’s the point, we cant have coffee/tea so we can’t go to a café, I don’t want to go shopping, no point of going to a movie theatre during the day and other than that, there isn’t anything else left to do during the day”—Me

Honestly, just reading this makes me want to slap myself. The crazy thing is, As soon as I make the move to get goin’; I’m on a roll and time flies by—I just have

a hard time getting to that little point- But I am working on it.

Luckily, that push came in right at the point when I decided to nap—A friend from Montreal was in town and wanted to meet up.

Right after, I met up again with my sister and headed out to The EX. The EX is a city fair that comes into town the end of every summer. Think Final Destination 3 sans goriness. It was tons, and I repeat, tons of fun. I love, loooove the lights.I love playing and I love the little 60s style candy carts, the corndog(eww)carts, the funnel cakes and the good mood all around in fun places like this.

Sunday

Two words: Killers Concert!

Need I say more?

And finally, on Monday, headed to a patio in little Italy and had Iftar with my sister. It was a really laid back night. And even though the dining experience was not marvelous (which prompted me to write “Terrible Terrible Service” on the tab), the night and weather were good.

I had tons of fun being out and ending the long weekend being out, with a nice cup of coffee.

I’m so happy I have been encouraged to blog!
I just happen to be one of the world’s worst procrastinators. But I am working on kicking off the habit.

Today, at 10:43, I had an epiphany.

I can only stand the work I do (or any work for that matter) with tea. It is incredible what a hot cup of steaming earl grey with some milk can do to my productivity and patience level. Unfortunately, ever since Ramadan blessed us all (and for the first time for me as a working woman) I have been less than eager to do much during the day. Somehow, people sound dumber, the work seems as boring as ever and my goals even blurrier than they were before!

In a nut shell, mish fay2a wo ray2a without my tea (in English, not particularly on top of the world).

Since we are on the topic of tea, let me tell you how my fascination (and slight addiction) to tea has grown. Growing up, I never had a drink of my choice. I never drank coffee, tea, coke, juice etc…and water would have been a healthy alternative, but I only had it when I was thirsty. This really bothered my mom (Especially when I would be studying) as she did not understand how one can be focused without anything to “keep them entertained”.

It was not until I went to university that I started to really feel the need to drink something as I did my assignments. I was not one to study in library (too quiet, needed the distraction to focus) so I spent almost all my university exam days studying in coffee houses (Mainly the Second cup on McGill College street or DuParc). I would always order the same yummy drink: Chocolat Chaud a la Vanille (Vanilla Hot Chocolate). Then, it became a Hazelnut Latte. Then one day I was having a very very bad day after an exam, and thought tea is the wisest choice (they say it’s good for you, where is the harm in having a cup?). I asked for regular tea (in my mind, like the one we had at home with mana2eesh and 2ershalleh) but they had none. The barista told me they had a similar black tea called Earl grey. “It is really good” She said, “You should try it”.

Try it I did. Added some milk and sugar. Had one sip and been hooked ever since. It is hot, it is rich in flavor and a very healthy source of “keeping yourself entertained” as you do work/read/ relax.

Given the amount of love I had grown for tea, I had decided to go on a whim and try another kind of black tea: Darjeeling, then another one, Assam. Heck I thought I might as well try different “colours” of tea—what is this red tea from Africa? Rooibos? Cool name. Yes, ill have one please. (You get the drift).

I’m also guilty of having numerous pictures of me holding a steamy tea cup (in all seasons). Eeek….Now you’re thinking I’m a bit of a weirdo, aren’t you?



Well, I don’t like to disappoint. Just for your pleasure, Here’s a list:

Tea I have Everyday: Earl Grey

Tea I like having in the afternoon: Cream of Earl grey (they spray the leaves with a hint of vanilla), Rooibos.
Tea I have as soon as I can find loose leafs : Assam

Best Brand for Earl grey Tea Bags: Twinning’s
Best Brand for Darjeeling Tea Bags: 4 o’clock
Best Brand for Rooibos blend Tea bags: Zhena’s Gypsy tea

Weirdest Tea I had: 7 Spice Tea- Black pepper, cinnamon, cloves,black tea,cumin, fennel, ginger and cardamom
Delightful Tea Purchase: Lavender Earl Grey by Revolution

Iced Tea: Do or Don’t? DON’T..
Chai Latte: Meh (at best)

Thanks for indulging me with my tea rant! I can smell that it is about 8 hours away from me :).

Coming out..

I've been going back and forth with this whole blogging thing. I must stay, once I open up the link and start typing, the words just seem to fly by. 

I have been a little bit unsure about what I want to write and what kind of information I will disclose in this little space. I have come to the conclusion that it is ridiculous to waste my time thinking about things like that instead of actually investing my time in writing instead.

So, Here it goes, I've been reading many people's blog for years now- and I always wanted a chance to get to know these people and a chance to let them know me. 

In a nutshell, I'm a 23 year old Palestinian female currently residing in Toronto.  I've been having a little bit of a hard time coping in this city , but I love my job and I forsee a room full of chances that could get me what I want/aspire to be if I start here.

It is not easy being a single arabic female not living with the parents (Parents living back in Amman, Jordan). It is even harder when these parents are not happy with you and neither of you can reach or compromise on a living status that can satisfy both ends. 

To clear the air, I am not your western/sex and the city girl wanna be. Nor do I want to lead a hollow shell of a life. On contraire, I am a self professed open minded arabic girl who probably knows arabic grammar more than anyone who has lived their entire life in the middle east. 

I value our arabic culture and traditions(with the freedom of criticizing every aspect of it of course) and I do get homesick every once in a while. I just want to find my way in peaceful kind of way in hopes that one day I can get to help the poorest of countries develop and grow. 

I really do hope I can stick to blogging...It's my mount everest :) ! 

One...

After years of self deception and naiveness, I was able to dig deep into myself and understand the nature of true primitive happiness- detached and the stand alone type of happiness. That state of mind,  the independent feeling. It is magnificent. 

That experience of realization is so eye opening and somewhat ... infectious...I love it.

Sure, there are things that I do not like, people that annoy me and actions that I dismiss. There are feelings that I miss, sensations that I long for. And yes, my "faith"* gets shaken every once in while- but whose does not. 

My life is a fabrication of my imagination, I can turn it into a reality whenever I want to. I am my own puppet. The simultaneous domination and submission is mind boggling, but I like to think of it as self control. 

And within all that, I understand the need for companionship. I just do not want one out of boredom. I loathe the discomfort and resentment that come out of settling for someone. I also do not buy into the perfect picture of the American Dream. I do not want a house in the suburbs. I do not want neighbours and I do not really want kids. 

I want an easy going life away from the suburbs.  A cozy loft with big windows, and someone to wake up next to who can understand my quirkiness and passion for the little things in life. Oh, and can enjoy a cup of morning tea with one who has finally found herself. 

*faith is a term used loosely and not related to spiritual faith. 

Overheard at Pharmaprix...

...or what stupid Ontario calls "shoppers drug mart".

Gay gentleman 1: "Oh my god, I love this drink, But I cant buy it"

Gay gentleman 2: "Why not?"

GG1 as GG2 mouths along : "its so embarrassing , its the Life Brand" (Thats a generic brand produced by pharmaprix)

GG2:"Yeah thats embarrassing to walk around with"

What was the drink you ask?

lemon flavored still water. 

Who cares that some people drink sewer water, some of us can not drink generic brands.